I'm in hot water. That's the good news.
The bad news is, so is the rest of the bathroom. The shower at my nameless (for
reasons I'll explain later) 5 star hotel is spewing water through the cracks around the
shower door, and all over the elegant marble bathroom floor.
It shouldn't be this way, but it is. And forever it will be.
I've been keeping a list for a number of years now. It spans more than a dozen
countries, all levels of accomodation (that's why I won't mention the name of this hotel),
all price ranges, and all types of failures. Leaks are just the most common.
There's the shower that is aimed at your solar plexis. The shower head that never
points where you want it to. The shower floor that is imperceptibly higher than the
bathroom floor, so that you jam your heel into it when you step in. The clogging
drain. The moldy curtain that keeps wrapping around your body. Water pressure that
can't wet a newspaper. The ever-popular oscillating temperature ride. And showers
that react to every toilet flush or sink operation.
So here's a list of all the things that should be in my perfect shower:
-Consistent hot water that lasts at least ten minutes, anytime of day or
night, and is not related to the toilet or sink (Quickest way to ruin your wifes' morning
- flush a toilet that drains all the cold water from the shower line).
-Consistent (strong) water pressure, that is also not related to the toilet or sink.
-One handle control. I do not like to play Mr. Chemist at 6am, "a dab of hot
water, a little cold, then back off the hot".
-A shower floor that is at the same height as the bathroom floor (or else so much lower
that it's obvious).
-Good ventilation. I want a shower, not a sauna.
-A one piece assembly. I don't want to see fur growing between tiles.
-A door, not a curtain. There's nothing worse than having a cold, moldy shower
curtain stick to you in the morning.
-A shower head that is high enough to spray water on your head.
-A good drain. Bathtub ring is a poor substitute for an ankle tatoo.
-Potable water. My Thailand morning shower mantra, "Don't let it in your mouth.
Don't let it in your mouth."
Of course we could get extravagent and:
-Install a waterproof lazyboy recliner.
-Add a submersible Bose sound system.
-Hire Cindy Crawford as a human loufah.
Yeah, well, I'm as likely to get those as I am any of the requests above.
Apparently, if a shower contains all the elements above, as soon as you
turn on the water, a cosmic vortex is generated, and everything in sight gets sucked into
This is the only plausible explanation for why there are no perfect showers.
Really. It can't be that there has never been one built. It
can't be that no one knows how to. It's just that the power of a perfect shower
would be more than our particular space/time continuum can handle.
Think about it for a moment. Think about how good even a bad shower
can feel. Now imagine a perfect shower. Your brain melts just thinking about it,
No, clearly a perfect shower is not meant for our world. This is the
only possible conclusion.
In addition, this could explain Extraterrestial Sightings and Spontaneous Combustion (a
side effect, rips in the cosmic fabric), though probably not Crop Circles or The Spice
So be thankful you haven't found a perfect shower yet. Cleanliness may really be
next to godliness.